Two old guys were chatting.....
One said to the other:
"My 80th birthday was yesterday.
The wife gave me an SUV".
The other guy responded:
"Wow, that's amazing!!.....
Imagine, an SUV!!..
What a great gift!"
First guy:
"Yup !!....�Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

now thats funny!!!!!!!!!!! Fran

These are my grandparents on my Fathers side of the family.
The Baumgart Framily in about 1898

I Owe My Mother

**************************************

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE ."If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL."If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC." Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT."Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS ."Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM."Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA ."You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER."This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY."If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE."I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION ."Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY."There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION."Just wait until we get home.."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING ."You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP."Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT ."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS."Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."And my favorite:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE ."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

I write this with a smile, you see.... but I didn't have long with my Mother, she died at the age of 49 in June 1 1965..... but even in the short years I had her, she did tell me some of these things, thats what makes me smile!

So ... if you still have your Mother with you,,, please forgive the stuff, that you can and remember the good stuff , Because the real truth is yiou only have that one person you can call MOM!!!!

Oh and about DADDYS,, mine passed away, May 26 1963,,, at the age of 58

PS<>I wish some of my kids would think about this!!

Old Timer Sex

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to

himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each> other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

Naughty old people!!!!!!!!!!!! Come on smile,,, or even laugh it will do you good!!!! FRAN

LADIES.....LADIES,,,,,,
IMPORTANT INFORMATION YOU ALL MAY FIND INTERESTING!!!!
I WENT TO MY LOCAL WALMART THE OTHER DAY,,AND AS ALWAYS,,
VISITED THE FABRIC SECTION , AS I ALWAYS DO, FOR FABRIC, ART PAINT,
STUFF TO FUSE MATERIALS TOGETHER..
.....
NOW ARE YOU READY FOR A SHOCKER??????????
THEY TOLD ME THEY ARE NO LONGER GOING TO HAVE A FABRIC DEPARTMENT!!!!!!!

THEY TOLD ME AT THER DESK THEY HAD HAD ALOT OF COMPLAINTS.
TO CALL 1-800 WALMART
AND COMPLAIN,,,
ALONG WITH BEING A CUT FOR THEM,, THEY TELL ME THE GALS WHO
WORKED, MIGHT LOSE THEIR JOBS,,,
i DO NOT KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT IT, BUT IF YOU WILL CALL WALMART AND CONLOIAN ANYWAY!!!
THIS WILL HELP US ALL!!!
THANKS FOR LISTENING,,,,,
YOU KNOW US OLD PEOPLE,, WE CAN REALLY LET LOSE! ha ha HAVE A GREAT DAY,,, FRAN

DEAR GOD:

I want to thank You for what you have already done.
I am not going to wait until I see results or receive rewards; I am thanking you right now. 0A
I am not going to wait until I feel better or things look better; I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until people say they are sorry or until they stop talking about me;
I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until the pain in my body disappears;
I am thanking you right now.
I a m not going to wait until my financial situation improves;
I am going to thank you right now.
I am not going to wait until the children are asleep and the house is quiet;
I am going to thank you right now.
I am not going to wait until I get promoted at work or until I get the job;
I am going to thank you right now.
I am not going to wait until I understand every experience in my life that has caused me pain or grief;
I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until the journey gets easier or the challenges are removed;
I am thanking you right now.
I am thanking you because I am alive.
I am thanking you because I made it through the day's difficulties.
I am thanking you because I have walked around the obstacles.
I am thanking you because I have the ability and the opportunity to do more and do better.

I'm thanking you because FATHER, YOU haven't given up on me.

God is just so good, and he's good all the time. Send this message to 8 friends, not to the friend who sent it to you and continue praising God.