The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at
the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed,
and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest,
it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must
tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering
an entrance examination for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to
pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is
good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance
exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test
as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I
know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:
What two days of the week
begin with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions
over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and
says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
tell me your answers."
Forrest replied, "Well, the
first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and
he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do
have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit
for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about
that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds
in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's
got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter.
"I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give
you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied,
"it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated
and frustrated St Peter.
"Ok, I can understand how you
came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the
world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest
one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
and said: "Run, Forrest, run."


Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folks.
GOOD OLD ,FORREST, HAD SOME REALLY GOOD ANSWERS, DIDN'T HE????,

An 80-year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Chuck, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Chuck replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible." the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife. "Ethel," he says, "Chuck is doing fine! But I had to call you as I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done poof! the light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "he's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Now I am old BUT~~~~~~~~God I hope I never get this bad!!! (laughing!!!) Fran

Subject: Why You Should Shut Down Your Computer at Night

When you go to bed at night and forget to shut down your computer, I think you ought to know what actually goes on.

It's 2 A M and do you know where your icons are and what they are doing?

Click on this site and you will see what happens when you leave the computer on during the night.

(Best when viewed on a full screen)

http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm

Make sure you have the sound on!!

Defense Attorney:Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady:There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:Why not?
Little Old Lady:It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney:What happened next?
Little Old Lady:He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:Why not?
Little Old Lady:His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney:What happened next?
Little Old Lady:Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him"Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defense Attorney:Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:Hell, no!
He just yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
YOU BETTER WATCH OUT FOR THOSE LITTLE OLD LADIES!!!!!
(LAUGHING ARE YOU?) FRAN

I should say by the time you are "70" (laughing)

Only 52 years ago! Comments made in the year 1955..

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."
"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."
"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store." "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."



I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.
Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."
"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.
They are even making electric typewriters now."


"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."


"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes.
I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."
"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it." Know friends who would get a kick out of these?

Pass it on!
I am not afraid to say I remember people talking just like that, and if you are my age you might remember also. Take me back tio the 50's,,, thats when the fun was!!! Right? Fran